Teaching Obedience to Kids…?
Obedience is such a loaded word these days. As I am contemplating teaching my puppy to be obedient, I find myself pondering the role of obedience with children. Should we be teaching children to be more obedient? These days, we talk about teaching children to be themselves – not necessarily to be obedient. I am going to argue, however controversially, that obedience is key to raising children, as well as puppies.
Obey stems from Latin obedire, oboedire "obey, be subject, serve; pay attention to, give ear," literally "listen to," from ob "to" (see ob-) + audire "listen, hear", or “perceive”. Obedience, as a concept, is a form of communication. Obedience is a two-way street, and is intrinsic in forming strong bonds and respectful relationships.
Here is a ridiculously basic example of obedience – I am teaching my dog to eliminate outside. Now, I can order the dog to eliminate outside until the cows come home, and both of us will be irate and confused because the dog is not “obeying me”. But, if I take the time to learn my dog’s rhythms and needs, taking advantage of opportunities to whisk him outside and communicate “elimination” as a desired behavior, and then reinforce this behavior multiple times, my puppy will learn to eliminate outside. Because I know that puppies do not have bladder control until they are four months, my expectation is that it will take two months to teach this concept.
Obedience is about teaching – and good teachers are good listeners. Teachers have to know their audience as well as their subject matter. They need to be flexible, knowing when their students are overwhelmed, distracted and unable to learn. They need to know how to take advantage of “teaching moments”. They need to have realistic expectations.
As parents, it can be a challenge to find solid footing from which to teach. There are so many questions – what should I be teaching my child, what will they understand, why aren’t they listening, what am I doing wrong? What is wrong with my child?
Puppies are easy – raising children with obedience is truly a challenge. As parents, we need to spend a lot of time getting to know our children, listening to them, and understanding their wants and needs in a developmentally appropriate way. This can be easy when children are young; they need so much of our attention to survive that we become attuned to their every need so that we can survive! As children grow older, they simultaneously seem to require less attention, but truly need the same amount of attention (if not more because they evolve as individuals so quickly!).
As a parent, I try so hard to listen to my kids so that I can know what they are experiencing and what they need. It isn’t easy – I hate Pokemon! I try to reach them using their experiences. I try to teach by example. If I were to yell at them to simply obey me, it wouldn’t work. Here’s an example - If I yell at my son to get ready for school, we’d both end up in tears and be late to school. But if I break this task into many small steps and redirection (I know that my son is very easily distracted), he will be able to successfully get ready for school. Each success will reinforce success and I’ll end up with an “obedient” son.
Parenting is hard. I do believe in having obedient children, which means I need to be an equally obedient parent/teacher. My saving grace is that I expect to make mistakes, and forgive my children for making mistakes. We find humor in our many “learning opportunities” (ie, failures).
I admit – the puppy eliminated inside while I was writing this blog! Why? Because he is an eight week puppy… because I wasn’t paying attention… But I know, that with time, effort and repetition, I can teach him to eliminate outside.
